confessions of an empty soul

Quite often depression works like a patient predator, creeping up on its prey with silent skill and purpose until just the right moment. An animal can usually sense when things are amiss - a rustling in the bushes nearby, a general feeling of being watched - but for the most part, it remains oblivious to the real danger that awaits them. Unawares, it is suddenly a thousand times more fragile and vulnerable than ever, giving its predator full advantage. Then, when its target least expects it, the predator pounces out of the shadows and kills and destroys, ravaging its soul and leaving nothing in its wake but a limp carcass and the smell of death in the air.

Lately I feel as though I have fallen victim to this kind of animalistic pillagery. I can't say it came as a complete surprise - like the deer that can sense it is being followed, I saw the signs but just assumed that my feelings would pass and brighter days were coming.

They didn’t.

In simple terms, I'm depressed. In more elaborate terms, I have managed to somehow become so spiritually dry over the last number of months that not only have I been suffering the emotional effects of that, I'm starting to see physical ones as well. Some days I experience such a longing to be closer to God that just thinking about how far away He feels makes me start to cry. I feel tired, depleted, and robbed. The only thing not missing is my willpower. I still desire to take back what is mine and then some, to chase after God and get that fire burning in my soul once again. I don't give up that easily.

How did I get here? I honestly don't know. I remember a time in my life when my relationship with God was so amazing that every night I would put in my Chris Falson's The Quiet CD and spend several hours sitting alone in bed praying. This time with God was so intimate and real that I would often end up in tears, overwhelmed by His love for me. I would stop praying for a while and just listen to the music and worship, then go right back to praying. Finally, when I was exhausted and fully saturated, I would lie down and fall asleep as the music continued to play. I did this every night for several weeks.

I understand that sustaining my relationship with God is my own responsibility. I cannot rely on others to keep my fire burning, to keep my desire to know Him on a deeper level alive. All relationships take work, whether it’s with a friend, relative, spouse or significant other. How much more work, then, must we expect to expel in order to maintain a relationship with the creator of the universe? A heck of a lot. I know this, but knowing who God is and what He’s done for me, it’s the least I can do to spend time with Him every day. I want it more than anything else; I want it for myself; I want Him jealously.

However, as a believer, I know that in order to sustain my relationship with God, I need to be sustained myself. Yes, God is truly all I need, but He put friends and family and church (my extended family) into my life for a reason, and that is to encourage me, inspire me and hold me accountable. My friends and family are great, but it is the church – a people who are supposed to be lifting me up spiritually and feeding me wisdom, truth and knowledge – that has, on a consistent basis, let me down.

I don’t want to point any fingers, but this is the truth and I’d rather offend people than hide the truth. My church has disappointed me. Week after week, I go expecting to get fed, and I leave starving. I get more out of worshipping alone to a CD in my car than I do worshipping in the sanctuary at church. I get more out of the passionate, philosophical discussions with my friends than I do from whatever "message" is being delivered in church. Not always, but way, way more often than not.

In one month I will officially be a twenty-something. In a recent Relevant Magazine issue, there was an article entitled, "Faith No More," describing a trend in twenty-somethings who, for a number of reasons and over time, eventually end up leaving their faith. One college grad writes:

"God did not intend for us to walk alone. The Church seems like it is going in this crazy direction of huge multimedia presentations and all this stuff, but I really think that people want other real people. Every single relationship you have should emulate your relationship with Christ in some way, so if you are missing that in your life, you’re not going to get connected. The Church has done such a terrible job of making sure that Christians stay connected. Too often my peers see that leaders are caught up in creating a "Super Bowl-like event" and miss the mark of what twentysomethings are really looking for in a time when so many struggle with loneliness, depression and purpose."

I don’t want to be one of those twentysomethings that ends up walking away. I could never do it completely, because even if I tried, I would spend the rest of my life still believing in God and seeking Him in my own ways. However, my faith in Christians is slowly waning and the temptation to walk away from the Church gets bigger every day. I guess I don’t need the Church. All I want is to brazenly run after Christ and worship with all of the passion and fury inside of me. I want to find truth and share it, to make a difference, to serve and to always be real. But must I do it alone?

Blah. I’ve been writing this blog over the last 24 hours and it’s getting less and less eloquent as I go along. And yet, "blah" pretty much sums it up.

not all cereals are created equal

My mom and I recently made the greatest discovery in cereal history: Kashi® GOLEAN Crunch! Honey Almond Flax.

Health food skeptics, hang in there. Yes, this all-natural cereal boasting 500mg's Omega-3's, 9g protein, 8g fiber and a whopping 7 whole grains may perhaps be the most nutritious option on the cereal market today. But as I keep promising, healthy does not have to mean gross! And that is the shared mantra of all the wonderful people who work for Kashi®. Not only can healthy food taste good, it should taste good. After all, especially with organic, this food is comprised of all-natural ingredients that come from the earth and have not been altered with chemicals, hormones or GMO's for mass-production. It's food that grows naturally without force or any encouragement other than that which comes from our good ol' natural resources - soil, water and sun.

Kashi® GOLEAN Crunch! Honey Almond Flax is described as "a delicious combination of crunchy honey-sweetened 7-grain clusters, sliced almonds and whole flax seeds." (Flax, for those of you still struggling to keep up with green food lingo, is a plant grown for its fiber and its glossy brown seeds that are used to produce a type of vegetable oil called "linseed oil" or "flaxseed oil.")

Delicious is an understatement! As is the term "crunchy" - the experience it insinuates is far too vague. Most people would skim right over that word, and for good reason, since most cereals claim to be crunchy when what they actually are is slightly firm or perhaps teetering on the edge of crispy - and that's without milk. But let me tell you, I have yet to find another food product in existence, let alone another cereal, that packs as much crunch as this miracle. In fact, as a consumer used to being let down by exaggerated claims in the adjective department, it came as a complete shock when I took that first bite and actually cried, "Ow!...AWESOME!" And I have since considered writing to Kashi® to suggest they put some kind of warning on their cereal boxes about the impact of this incredible crunch, you know...a disclaimer of sorts, not unlike those found on Vitamin Water bottles:

Legally, we are prohibited from making exaggerated claims about the impact of the crunch in our cereal. Therefore, legally we couldn't tell you that a bite of this cereal caused little Billy from Kansas to lose his first tooth or that 10,000 bowls of this cereal later, Frannie from Utah acquired a permanent crunching noise in her ears. Heck, we can't even tell you this cereal gives you the power to chew seventeen cubes of Bubblicious at one time... just ask Jimmy in Boston.

Legally, we can't say stuff like that -- 'cause that would be wrong, you know?

Anyway, I think you're getting the point! And if you're still not enticed, remember those little honey oat clusters in Honey Bunches of Oats that you absolutely loved but the fact that they were so few and so small really ticked you off? Well. This cereal from Kashi® is nothing else BUT those things, just made with different ingredients. AND some of them are about the size of golf balls. Don't believe me? Go out to the store and buy a box and just try to make a liar out of me. Just try.

In conclusion, there is nothing but sweet, nutty, crunchy goodness in this cereal. It's so amazing that my mom and I go through a whole box in just two days, and that's if we're not particularly hungry. It's so amazing that I panic when it's out of stock - yes, out of stock - we keep about 7 boxes in our cabinet at all times. It's so amazing that if I could, I would tour the country as an enthusiastic advocate of this cereal and heck, while I'm at it, the geniuses who work at Kashi®.

By the way, have you tried the Kashi® GOLEAN bars? ...Alright, alright, I'll save that one for another day.

but the world looks so much nicer with my head in the clouds

I have always been a daydreamer. This used to piss me off when I'd be sitting in a class at school and right in the middle of a lecture my brain would go spinning of into Seussical directions as if some kind of spring had been released. GO! And ten minutes later, as if startled by some giant figmental pinch, I would snap back to reality and realize that I had no idea what the lecture was about or what my homework assignment was. At this point I was thankful for two things: 1. I had conveniently cool friends who would relay to me whatever important information I had missed, and 2. I loved to read, so whatever the teacher had said I could most likely find in my textbook later.

One might wonder what thoughts were volleying back and forth in my head during this time. Was I trying to remember whether I had packed PB&J or tuna fish for lunch? Was I thinking about how I could get all my homework done, eat dinner and play in my bowling league that night without missing the latest episode of Law & Order: SVU?

Oh, if only my thoughts were so trivial.

No, I am a daydreamer of the worst kind. See, I’m a world-changer. I can say that with confidence because it’s not boasting, it’s simply stating a fact. I haven’t actually accomplished anything in life so far that is necessarily world-changing, but I am (sometimes overly) ambitious, optimistic, passionate, and have the vision and drive of a world-changer. What exactly does this mean? It means that I couldn’t zone out in school and simply ponder how awesome those highlights looked on the girl sitting in front of me, and I can’t tune out in church and simply hope that Dave’s Diner is still serving breakfast when the service is over. Instead, though I have yet to hear a literal starting whistle or gunshot, all of my world-changing attributes come into play and begin stirring up a wind that often leaves me reeling in exhaustion and dizziness. I dream, imagine, create, explore, envision, magnify, blend, color, clean and rearrange. I find revelation and conviction, I go down the road less traveled, I ask a million "what ifs," and I turn ideas into reality before they’ve even been filtered through the proper channels.

As all other world-changers out there know, this problem only gets worse at night. The darker the sky becomes, the brighter the light bulb in my head gets, and as you can imagine, this has over time afflicted me with an awful case of insomnia. I will lie awake for hours thinking about how to change something or make it better, what I can accomplish this week to bring me closer to my goals, what I can write about to inspire people, where I can go to get inspired myself, how I can help or entertain someone, what kind of impossible dreams I can present before God and who I know that could be part of them. Sometimes thinking about these things isn’t enough, and this is when I scurry out of bed for the third time and grab my Bible, my dictionary, my latest novel, and even my computer, which I will use to research information on something or find answers that I can’t wait until morning to know. I can never wait until morning.

This dreaming thing is a problem because, as an aggressively blazing visionary, there is no escape. None. It is useless and foolish to try and get away, because it will always find you and badger you until you give in and entertain it. You will think it, dream it, picture it, plan it, write it, scheme it and do it, or you will die trying not to. It is a gift and a nightmare, a blessing and a curse, always bittersweet.

I long ago gave up trying to fight this battle. Though there are many times I lay staring at the ceiling with a headache and sore eyes begging God to release me from the burden of being a visionary (add to that a prophetess…oh, the pressure), mostly I am thankful for this gift. It keeps me on my toes and heightens my awareness; it excites me. I can’t wait to fulfill the will of God and see all of my dreams come to fruition.

And here is where the bigger problem arises. If I must, if it is the only way, I will dream. I will come up with innovative ideas and draw blueprints for concepts and create business plans for, well, potential business endeavors. I will write blogs about them and keep journals and cut and paste magazine pictures and articles. However…then what? What am I supposed to do with all of this information? Most of my dreams and ideas are so big and impressive that quite honestly I don’t look forward to sharing them with anyone – if, that is, I have to. Some are simply impossible. Most are possible with lots of time and money and support, all of which I am sorely lacking. The rest are just laughable. And yet, they all make sense to me and I fully believe they have the potential to revolutionize. It’s just that there’s not much I can do right now to help make them happen. At least, not by myself. So all the data I’ve collected, all the hypotheses I’ve conceived, all the thoughts I’ve given second thought to are just sitting on the shelves of this massive mental library I’ve got collecting dust.

I don’t believe I’m too small for this. I may be small in stature, but everything else about me is big almost beyond measure. There is enough compassion, zeal and willpower inside of me for a whole army. It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog. In Matthew 17:20, Jesus says, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." 1 Timothy 4:12 encourages us not to let anyone look down on us because we are young. And there are numerous other Bible verses that teach us the same general principle: We are strong, we are blessed, we are made to dream big dreams, we are made to chase after these dreams, and nothing is impossible for us if we are under the covering of God’s will. So I have no doubt that with the proper tools, all of my crazy, massive dreams can come to pass. It is not their size or probability that overwhelms me (well, not really…), but my horrible impatience.

Soon, I am steadfastly hoping, all of the pieces will fall into place. All of the elements necessary to the carrying out of my dreams will align and the green light will appear. And I cannot tell you how quickly I will charge up my turbos and chase those dreams down.

natural disaster

if the moon and the tide can't work it out

and the wind has a fury like nothing else, tell me...

how am i to be expected to get it right?

well the birds know to migrate to the south

and the bears know to hibernate it out, so tell me...

how is it that i have not been blessed with this foresight?

why is all creation given an instinct that'll be its savior?

no compass ever told 'em how, just an unseen master

why is all creation given excuses for its bad behavior?

well mine is, mine is, mine is i'm a natural disaster

if the beasts can't live in harmony

and the weeds grow to choke and kill the tree, tell me...

how am i gonna bring hope with no hope to bring?

and if the sands of time can't stop the flow

and the stars that die can't find their glow, tell me...

how am i supposed to know how to save a thing?

why is all creation given an instinct that'll be its savior?
no compass ever told 'em how, just an unseen master
why is all creation given excuses for its bad behavior?
well mine is, mine is, mine is i'm a natural disaster

what excuse does creation have for bleeding chaos and beauty for its creator?

mine is, mine is, mine is i'm a natural disaster