Sunday, August 13, 2006

waiting room

I feel like I'm stuck in a moment in time, kind of twiddling my thumbs, waiting for something to happen. I have nothing. God has brought me to this place where I have no choice but to trust in Him...for hope, for provision, for everything. Every day I pray for wisdom and an understanding of His will.

I struggle with my emotions. Life seems so routine, so void without the presence of the children I have left behind. I see it as a good thing that I still think of them all the time, still miss them, still long to be with them. At the same time, I don't want my life here to be meaningless. In other words, I want to find joy here, too. I have been caught in that trap of just wanting to make it through the day, and that saddens me. There's more to life than that, and I suppose that I have been so focused on the amazing experience I had at El Camino that I feel like I can't find that fullness of love and peace here. I guess I will never feel complete without those children around me, but must I look at where I am at so negatively?

I am here now. I have accepted that. But what's next? Ever since I was a little girl I have been sorely lacking in patience and posessed an overabundance of anxiousness. I pray that God will quiet my spirit long enough for me to see beauty and grace and find love and peace no matter where I am. I pray that He will help me allow myself to be happy and content regardless of how far into the future I can or cannot see, and regardless of the means that I might not have to get there.

My dreams may be few, but they are big enough to intimidate even myself. Yet God is bigger still, and though I can hardly wrap my mind around it, His dreams for me are even bigger than mine. Better, too. Shall I waste my time worrying or wishing for something that I cannot readily have? Or shall I trust my God, creator of the universe, with the promises He has made, knowing that He has never broken one?

I will not, I cannot, become weak and lose hope. I am made of tougher stuff than that. I will persevere.