catching waves

The guts of God are everywhere. I can see them clearly in conversations with others, in the way the weather changes, even in my dreams. But the moment of clarity is fleeting. It's there, and then it's gone. I understand, and then i don't.

I often feel like a child planted firmly on the beach, trying desperately to stop each wave that appears from rushing back out to sea. With stubborn determination i wait until another wave encircles my ankles, then dig my hands into the sand to form a blockade, to no avail. The water is far too clever, too quick, and escapes my grasp every time.

Every time i think i've got my mind wrapped around another puzzle piece of who God is, the bigger picture gets ruined. I can get an entire side of a Rubik's Cube to be one color, but it doesn't matter because the other five sides are still a complete mess.

Is my relationship with God meant to be this way? Am i to accept him and forge this deep, meaningful bond when every now and then i feel we're nothing more than acquaintances?

Closer than a brother, yet further than the east is from the west.

It makes me sad to think of God this way. I get so frustrated just trying to understand small parts of the package, nevermind the whole thing. I feel dumb.

Part of me appreciates the vastness of God, the mystery that enshrouds his ways and existence. One day i'm discussing him and questioning him with a person, or a group of people, and enjoying the fact that most of our understanding will only ever be limited to perception and interpretation and experience. But in the next day, i want to abandon faith altogether, if only for lopsidedness.

You can understand me, but i can't understand you.

It seems unfair. Then i feel guilty for basically wanting to be equal with God, at least on some level. And that sounds really terrible, and that's not what i mean. I don't care to be on the same level as him at all. I just want the relationship to go both ways.

But that's not God's fault, really, is it? I'm sure he's probably thinking the same thing about me - I want to see you; why do you keep hiding? I want to know you; why won't you talk to me?

Sadness. For both of us, equally.

And there i've found it, if only momentarily...some common ground. I may not be able to catch and keep the ocean's waves, but i can certainly start building somewhere after it's come in contact with the sand.