the heart of life

How does one go about discovering what the heart of life is? How does one find meaning in a mess?

My fallibility has me stuck in a constant state of despair. Even when things are good, they're bad...under the surface, where it hurts the most.

I wonder.

Am i capable of not turning everything into a mistake? Am i capable of keeping any normal relationships with the people i love? Am i capable of meeting everyone's expectations?

I never imagined that one day i'd be experiencing things like loss and hurt and failure on a daily basis. Maybe that's what happens when you become an adult. But how would i know? I've never been here before. I don't know what the protocol is.

I'm not good at being an adult. I'm only good at being a kid.

And where is God in all of this? What does He want from me? I feel like i'm trying so hard to live my life as me, yet inevitably end up living someone else's. If that's not messed up, i don't know what is.

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But, then your circle of friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good

- "The Heart Of Life" by John Mayer