confessions of an empty soul

Quite often depression works like a patient predator, creeping up on its prey with silent skill and purpose until just the right moment. An animal can usually sense when things are amiss - a rustling in the bushes nearby, a general feeling of being watched - but for the most part, it remains oblivious to the real danger that awaits them. Unawares, it is suddenly a thousand times more fragile and vulnerable than ever, giving its predator full advantage. Then, when its target least expects it, the predator pounces out of the shadows and kills and destroys, ravaging its soul and leaving nothing in its wake but a limp carcass and the smell of death in the air.

Lately I feel as though I have fallen victim to this kind of animalistic pillagery. I can't say it came as a complete surprise - like the deer that can sense it is being followed, I saw the signs but just assumed that my feelings would pass and brighter days were coming.

They didn’t.

In simple terms, I'm depressed. In more elaborate terms, I have managed to somehow become so spiritually dry over the last number of months that not only have I been suffering the emotional effects of that, I'm starting to see physical ones as well. Some days I experience such a longing to be closer to God that just thinking about how far away He feels makes me start to cry. I feel tired, depleted, and robbed. The only thing not missing is my willpower. I still desire to take back what is mine and then some, to chase after God and get that fire burning in my soul once again. I don't give up that easily.

How did I get here? I honestly don't know. I remember a time in my life when my relationship with God was so amazing that every night I would put in my Chris Falson's The Quiet CD and spend several hours sitting alone in bed praying. This time with God was so intimate and real that I would often end up in tears, overwhelmed by His love for me. I would stop praying for a while and just listen to the music and worship, then go right back to praying. Finally, when I was exhausted and fully saturated, I would lie down and fall asleep as the music continued to play. I did this every night for several weeks.

I understand that sustaining my relationship with God is my own responsibility. I cannot rely on others to keep my fire burning, to keep my desire to know Him on a deeper level alive. All relationships take work, whether it’s with a friend, relative, spouse or significant other. How much more work, then, must we expect to expel in order to maintain a relationship with the creator of the universe? A heck of a lot. I know this, but knowing who God is and what He’s done for me, it’s the least I can do to spend time with Him every day. I want it more than anything else; I want it for myself; I want Him jealously.

However, as a believer, I know that in order to sustain my relationship with God, I need to be sustained myself. Yes, God is truly all I need, but He put friends and family and church (my extended family) into my life for a reason, and that is to encourage me, inspire me and hold me accountable. My friends and family are great, but it is the church – a people who are supposed to be lifting me up spiritually and feeding me wisdom, truth and knowledge – that has, on a consistent basis, let me down.

I don’t want to point any fingers, but this is the truth and I’d rather offend people than hide the truth. My church has disappointed me. Week after week, I go expecting to get fed, and I leave starving. I get more out of worshipping alone to a CD in my car than I do worshipping in the sanctuary at church. I get more out of the passionate, philosophical discussions with my friends than I do from whatever "message" is being delivered in church. Not always, but way, way more often than not.

In one month I will officially be a twenty-something. In a recent Relevant Magazine issue, there was an article entitled, "Faith No More," describing a trend in twenty-somethings who, for a number of reasons and over time, eventually end up leaving their faith. One college grad writes:

"God did not intend for us to walk alone. The Church seems like it is going in this crazy direction of huge multimedia presentations and all this stuff, but I really think that people want other real people. Every single relationship you have should emulate your relationship with Christ in some way, so if you are missing that in your life, you’re not going to get connected. The Church has done such a terrible job of making sure that Christians stay connected. Too often my peers see that leaders are caught up in creating a "Super Bowl-like event" and miss the mark of what twentysomethings are really looking for in a time when so many struggle with loneliness, depression and purpose."

I don’t want to be one of those twentysomethings that ends up walking away. I could never do it completely, because even if I tried, I would spend the rest of my life still believing in God and seeking Him in my own ways. However, my faith in Christians is slowly waning and the temptation to walk away from the Church gets bigger every day. I guess I don’t need the Church. All I want is to brazenly run after Christ and worship with all of the passion and fury inside of me. I want to find truth and share it, to make a difference, to serve and to always be real. But must I do it alone?

Blah. I’ve been writing this blog over the last 24 hours and it’s getting less and less eloquent as I go along. And yet, "blah" pretty much sums it up.