fourteen seconds

Red.

What was i thinking? I do it too much, or not at all. Either way is wrong and leads inevitably to my downfall. Suddenly i'm a lot older than i thought i was and i find myself wading in darkness, yet again. How did i get here? Here, this year. Here, three minutes ago. When i acted too quickly or opted for apathy. I'm unfamiliar with the person i've become.

It's a process, i know, rediscovering me. Some days i really look forward to it. I'll start my day off with a new routine that in some previous moment of self-centered romanticism decided was exactly right and a fact. You would greet the morning that way. Of course. Like i know myself. Like i've been me my entire life. And i'll hop in my car and blast my stereo to my new favorite band and drop off some canned goods for the Salvation Army. Well, naturally. I'll punch in at work early and find it strangely satisfying to take out the trash or be up to my elbows with soap suds at the sanitizer sink and upon realizing the joy in such mundane tasks i'll start singing to my fellow partners. But why wouldn't you? That's just your way.

And then, just like that, it's all gone. The good wilts like a flower without quite enough strength to lift itself all the way up towards the sun. I step out of character and die.

And it's devastating.

Everything in life is fleeting; i have to remember that. Time, feelings, emotions, fortune. It could all be swept away in a breath or a blink, for better or worse. Right now the fate of our country is being determined by a sketchy voting system and within hours, perhaps even minutes, the next President will step forward and accept his new responsibility to lead us. Until that moment, there are 303,824,640 American citizens waiting to place all their hope and their sense of security in one man more or less of their choosing.

One man.

The thought, to me, seems utterly ridiculous.

If we can't find peace within ourselves, we'll never find it anywhere. Whether we choose to believe in a higher power, or stability in a routine, or the release of stress through physical activity, we must be able to recognize something of our own preference that will keep us grounded and maintaining the highest possible level of well-being. Hope is embedded inside of us, not somewhere over the rainbow. And security comes in knowing that we're the ones in charge of that hope and in charge of creating happiness. We're already so empowered, and we don't even see it.

I think i see it, but come tomorrow morning i'll probably realize that i don't. Oh, it might begin with a hot shower and a new favorite tea, but eventually i know it will happen. I'll trip and my costume will tear and in a terrible moment of shocking silence i'll sit there on stage staring out at the audience in a puddle of vulnerability as dust particles swirl in my spotlight and i remember how small i am.

I can't do this alone, this stumbling and bumbling through life stuff. But for some reason i won't get help, either.

Once again, my relationship with God coming into question.

Most people run to God when things are bad...when they need consoling, when they need answers to difficult questions. I run to God when things are good, and that's pretty much it. I suppose the reason for this is because God is love, and love is good, and all good things come from God. I can understand that, it makes sense. If there is goodness and love in my life, i am happy. When i'm happy, God is happy; i can relate to him in the good. I can see him and feel him and i know he's everywhere and i'll run in every direction, sometimes all at once, for that very reason.

When things are bad, my relationship with God becomes like a watercolor left out in the rain. What once was sort of hazy and mysterious but beautiful and good all at the same time is now bleeding and fading and disappearing altogether. I see nothing but water stains, feel nothing but emptiness. This is not the God i know. If things can change from good to bad so quickly, how am i sure that i ever really knew him at all? He is steadfast, he is strong. He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

...Unless it rains?

Chaos. Confusion. I run.

Green.