end of a revolution

Dear Readers,

There aren't a lot of you...perhaps only two or three. But you've been following my blog faithfully for a couple of years now - the good, the bad, and the ugly - and i hope you've enjoyed this journey as much as i at times did not.

Change is in the air. Whether for better or worse, only time will tell. We could sit over coffee or tea or beer and discuss what's going to happen regarding the current economic crisis, our newly elected president, or next season's Red Sox lineup...but it would serve no greater purpose than to fill the silence while we drink. Because what's going on in the world today doesn't matter. What's going on inside of us does matter. Our lives depend on it.

This is the end of a revolution. My revolution. It is the end of this blog as you know it. It ran its course, and now it is done. It is tired. It is ready for change.

Olde Brown Dog is that change. I'm not prepared to tell you what's in store, because i honestly don't know. But truth will be involved.

Guts.

Discomfort, on my end. Maybe even on yours.

"Be men, or be more than men. Be steady to your purposes and firm as a rock. This ice is not made of such stuff as your hearts may be; it is mutable and cannot withstand you if you say that it shall not." - Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

It is silly to be intimidated by change. It is silly to allow that which is out of our control, control us. Now is the time to remain steadfast; to find strength that will withstand uncertainty. We must embrace our lives as our lives, and nothing less.

I have lived an entire lifetime, and now i'm ready for my next. I don't know where i'm going, only where i've been, and that scares me. But i'm learning. Learning about what love is, what happiness is, what contentedness is.

It's an old brown dog.

Audrey

from me to you and you to me

And we could ride all night
To the pace of the blinking light
Wishing traffic was faster (traffic was faster)
Keeping safe distance, but courting disaster

We could dance all night
To the sounds of a starting fight
Hoping change would come around (change would come around)
Amazing division, how sweet the sound

Blame me! Blame me! Blame me!
For mistakes you've made but you can't own
Hate me, hate me, hate me
For every honest word that you've postponed
Leave me out of this
Your life's a sinking ship, so
Blame me, blame me, blame me
For mistakes you've made but you can't own

And we could stare all day
At problems that won't go away
Silence is pounding (silence is pounding)
You're wearing me down, these corners they're rounding

Then we could scream all night
With no resolve still left in sight
Stop saying you're sorry
All of these words feel so very empty

Blame me! Blame me! Blame me!
For mistakes you've made but you can't own
Hate me, hate me, hate me
For every honest word that you've postponed
Leave me out of this
Your life's a sinking ship, so
Blame me, blame me, blame me
For mistakes you've made but you can't own

Torturing ourselves, we must be into the abuse
If you're the rope that ties us together
Please make me a noose
Ask me to leave
Then beg me just to stay
Used to run to my arms, but now I walk away
Come and go as you please
I'm like a part-time lover with well-worn knees
Well, come on

Blame me! Blame me! Blame me!
For mistakes you've made but you can't own
Hate me, hate me, hate me
For every honest word that you've postponed
Leave me out of this
Your life's a sinking ship, so
Blame me, blame me, blame me
For mistakes you've made but you can't own

- "Blame Me! Blame Me!", Anberlin

fourteen seconds

Red.

What was i thinking? I do it too much, or not at all. Either way is wrong and leads inevitably to my downfall. Suddenly i'm a lot older than i thought i was and i find myself wading in darkness, yet again. How did i get here? Here, this year. Here, three minutes ago. When i acted too quickly or opted for apathy. I'm unfamiliar with the person i've become.

It's a process, i know, rediscovering me. Some days i really look forward to it. I'll start my day off with a new routine that in some previous moment of self-centered romanticism decided was exactly right and a fact. You would greet the morning that way. Of course. Like i know myself. Like i've been me my entire life. And i'll hop in my car and blast my stereo to my new favorite band and drop off some canned goods for the Salvation Army. Well, naturally. I'll punch in at work early and find it strangely satisfying to take out the trash or be up to my elbows with soap suds at the sanitizer sink and upon realizing the joy in such mundane tasks i'll start singing to my fellow partners. But why wouldn't you? That's just your way.

And then, just like that, it's all gone. The good wilts like a flower without quite enough strength to lift itself all the way up towards the sun. I step out of character and die.

And it's devastating.

Everything in life is fleeting; i have to remember that. Time, feelings, emotions, fortune. It could all be swept away in a breath or a blink, for better or worse. Right now the fate of our country is being determined by a sketchy voting system and within hours, perhaps even minutes, the next President will step forward and accept his new responsibility to lead us. Until that moment, there are 303,824,640 American citizens waiting to place all their hope and their sense of security in one man more or less of their choosing.

One man.

The thought, to me, seems utterly ridiculous.

If we can't find peace within ourselves, we'll never find it anywhere. Whether we choose to believe in a higher power, or stability in a routine, or the release of stress through physical activity, we must be able to recognize something of our own preference that will keep us grounded and maintaining the highest possible level of well-being. Hope is embedded inside of us, not somewhere over the rainbow. And security comes in knowing that we're the ones in charge of that hope and in charge of creating happiness. We're already so empowered, and we don't even see it.

I think i see it, but come tomorrow morning i'll probably realize that i don't. Oh, it might begin with a hot shower and a new favorite tea, but eventually i know it will happen. I'll trip and my costume will tear and in a terrible moment of shocking silence i'll sit there on stage staring out at the audience in a puddle of vulnerability as dust particles swirl in my spotlight and i remember how small i am.

I can't do this alone, this stumbling and bumbling through life stuff. But for some reason i won't get help, either.

Once again, my relationship with God coming into question.

Most people run to God when things are bad...when they need consoling, when they need answers to difficult questions. I run to God when things are good, and that's pretty much it. I suppose the reason for this is because God is love, and love is good, and all good things come from God. I can understand that, it makes sense. If there is goodness and love in my life, i am happy. When i'm happy, God is happy; i can relate to him in the good. I can see him and feel him and i know he's everywhere and i'll run in every direction, sometimes all at once, for that very reason.

When things are bad, my relationship with God becomes like a watercolor left out in the rain. What once was sort of hazy and mysterious but beautiful and good all at the same time is now bleeding and fading and disappearing altogether. I see nothing but water stains, feel nothing but emptiness. This is not the God i know. If things can change from good to bad so quickly, how am i sure that i ever really knew him at all? He is steadfast, he is strong. He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

...Unless it rains?

Chaos. Confusion. I run.

Green.

all that shit is gone

I never got it right,
that's how this breaks down.
I never see things through,
I always carry the weight for you, for you.

And now I hesitate,
with every step I take.
I fear my back might break
if I don't leave today.

Always trying to please everyone
that I met and I ended up losing it all
but all that shit is gone,
all that shit is gone.

I guess I felt abused,
is that something you choose?
In a cheap disguise,
I did everything for you.

Always trying to please everyone that I met
and I ended up losing it all
but all that shit is gone,
all that shit is gone.

All that shit is gone,
all that shit is gone.
I never got it right,
I always carry the weight for you.

- Carolina Liar

catching waves

The guts of God are everywhere. I can see them clearly in conversations with others, in the way the weather changes, even in my dreams. But the moment of clarity is fleeting. It's there, and then it's gone. I understand, and then i don't.

I often feel like a child planted firmly on the beach, trying desperately to stop each wave that appears from rushing back out to sea. With stubborn determination i wait until another wave encircles my ankles, then dig my hands into the sand to form a blockade, to no avail. The water is far too clever, too quick, and escapes my grasp every time.

Every time i think i've got my mind wrapped around another puzzle piece of who God is, the bigger picture gets ruined. I can get an entire side of a Rubik's Cube to be one color, but it doesn't matter because the other five sides are still a complete mess.

Is my relationship with God meant to be this way? Am i to accept him and forge this deep, meaningful bond when every now and then i feel we're nothing more than acquaintances?

Closer than a brother, yet further than the east is from the west.

It makes me sad to think of God this way. I get so frustrated just trying to understand small parts of the package, nevermind the whole thing. I feel dumb.

Part of me appreciates the vastness of God, the mystery that enshrouds his ways and existence. One day i'm discussing him and questioning him with a person, or a group of people, and enjoying the fact that most of our understanding will only ever be limited to perception and interpretation and experience. But in the next day, i want to abandon faith altogether, if only for lopsidedness.

You can understand me, but i can't understand you.

It seems unfair. Then i feel guilty for basically wanting to be equal with God, at least on some level. And that sounds really terrible, and that's not what i mean. I don't care to be on the same level as him at all. I just want the relationship to go both ways.

But that's not God's fault, really, is it? I'm sure he's probably thinking the same thing about me - I want to see you; why do you keep hiding? I want to know you; why won't you talk to me?

Sadness. For both of us, equally.

And there i've found it, if only momentarily...some common ground. I may not be able to catch and keep the ocean's waves, but i can certainly start building somewhere after it's come in contact with the sand.

the pursuit of happyness

I'm still here.

You can't see the words, but they're in me, somewhere. I'm on a hunt for the red, and it's falling in pieces around me as the seasons change. They are beautiful and delicate...timeless. I don't want to ruin anything; I want to leave them be. But as i grow more comfortable, as the coolness of autumn sets in, i will gather them all up carefully and place them in my jar. Along with the fireflies and raindrops and stars and whispers and that one secret ingredient.

My untouchables.

I am happy. This moment could last for years, i'm in no rush. Everything as though it's my first time, because it is. Everything slow and on purpose. Everything cherished.

I'm still here. I'm just breathing for a while.

leaving on a jet plane

It's been quite a while since i posted. I guess i'm still trying to figure out which of my thoughts are worth sharing with the world (or at least which are appropriate). In the meantime, i thought i'd let you know that i'm going to Michigan in 10 days to see one of my best friends.

I haven't seen Jenna in four years. That realization just hit me as i purchased my plane ticket, and i don't think i could feel more awful about it if i tried. Naturally, i feel bad that i hadn't visited earlier, haven't called more...but it really saddens me to see how easily we become disconnected from one another. How easily we let time pass.

The last time i saw Jenna, she was driving off to her honeymoon with her new husband, waving goodbye through the rear window of their car. She just gave birth to their second child, and i haven't even met their first yet. I will, though, and that fills me with so much happiness. Instead of focusing on the last four years, i want to go to Michigan, spend time with Jenna's family, and look forward to the next four.

I have very few good friends right now, but they're the only ones i want to keep around. And so i shall.