what to do if...you have a run-in with kevin federline
Friday night has always been Freak Night at the mall. Always. So you can imagine my surprise when, on this relatively average Tuesday morning, a trio of these anomalous beings caught my eye. A cluster, if you will - all males.
One of them bore a striking resemblance to one of the extras I've seen skulking throughout several Snoop Dogg music videos (ginormous ice and fuzzy Mad Hatter-esque headwear included). The second appeared to be merely a close replica of the first, only smaller and, well, white. The third was Kevin Federline (yes, I too shuddered at the thought). My mother, who was with me at the time, chuckled when I pointed him out, clearly having passed him off as a bad K-Fed wannabe and causing me to second-guess myself.
Stubbornly determined, I whizzed through a makeshift mental checklist. Now, believe me, my knowledge of this scrawny, pasty "rapper" is undoubtedly limited, but I think even those who are similarly clueless as to the what's and when's of his pathetic life will agree that the following items are obvious must-haves in determining whether or not the real Kevin Federline has just stood up:
Black cap, strategically tilted to one side and just slightly upwards (the way cool people do it): check.
Faux diamond studs the size of Texas: check.
Permanent five o'clockshadow scrumpox: check.
Dirty, not-so-sure-that-passes-for-white-anymore wife beater: check.
Jeans sagging way below the butt line retrieved from the Salvation Army bin: check.
A walk resembling that of someone coming out of hip surgery: check.
At this point, I'm thinking you're in agreement that the dope I spotted was, indeed, Kevin "warez my RESPEK" Federline. I'm also willing to bet you're impressed with my survival skills (the sighting of this manchild in person, I have to admit, did cause me to wish for temporary blindness). "What on earth," you're wondering, "would I have done in this situation?"
Luckily for you, I have assessed this scenario and have very considerately come up with a DON'T/DO list for your safety if this unfortunate incident should happen to you. You may want to print this list out and carry it in your pocket, in the event that K-Fed does in fact cause your heart to skip a beat (and not in a good way) the next time you innocently stroll into your local mall. Remember: accidents can happen anywhere, anytime. Don't be ignorant - educate yourself, and always be prepared.
DON'T look him in the eye (unless you want to see his head balloon 10x larger than its normal size, as he will presume that you both recognize him and worship his presence). In the event that you slip up, however...
DO remain poker-faced. Smoothly avert your gaze in another direction, pretend you've spotted a friend, and wave enthusiastically as you walk away.
DON'T come right out and berate his music (i.e., "'Playing With Fire?' Ooooh, you're so dangerous.") Instead...
DO say something like, "Dude, your riffs are really insipid and unbelievably egregious. I couldn't write lyrics that ludicrous if I tried." Unable to comprehend your 10th grade vocabulary (I'm fairly certain he never made it past freshman year, if that), he will assume you've just complimented him. But...
DON'T engage in high-five action. Avoid any and all forms of physical contact whatsoever, at all costs - not because you don't know where he's been, but because, unfortunately, you do.
DO allow him an exaggerated wink. It will confuse him.
DON'T ask him what PopozÃo means in Japanese. Not only will you sound ignorant because the word is actually Portuguese (it means "big ass"), he will know that he is being mocked and may decide to sic Snoop Dogg Extra and Replica Wigga on you.
DO bob your head and wiggle your fingers like an invalid á la K-Fed "jammin" to PopozÃo (thanks YouTube). You'll still be mocking him, but he'll be unaware and in fact will think he's started a new trend.
DON'T make reference to either Britney or "the kids". This is a very sore subject for Kevin, and the possibility of him ripping off his wife beater and attempting to strangle you with it is simply too great. Should you choose to provoke him anyway, however...
DO quickly take control of the wife beater, dump your handy dandy bottle of Poland Springs over it, and proceed to slap him incessantly. This is where his skin-and-bones structure will prove an advantage to you, as the slap action will hurt like heck.
And, of course...if all else fails, just point and laugh at him. Sure, this may result once again in the summoning of his bling-blingin' lackeys, but at least you will have gotten your point across (not to mention that these types of occurrences make for good stories).
One of them bore a striking resemblance to one of the extras I've seen skulking throughout several Snoop Dogg music videos (ginormous ice and fuzzy Mad Hatter-esque headwear included). The second appeared to be merely a close replica of the first, only smaller and, well, white. The third was Kevin Federline (yes, I too shuddered at the thought). My mother, who was with me at the time, chuckled when I pointed him out, clearly having passed him off as a bad K-Fed wannabe and causing me to second-guess myself.
Stubbornly determined, I whizzed through a makeshift mental checklist. Now, believe me, my knowledge of this scrawny, pasty "rapper" is undoubtedly limited, but I think even those who are similarly clueless as to the what's and when's of his pathetic life will agree that the following items are obvious must-haves in determining whether or not the real Kevin Federline has just stood up:
Black cap, strategically tilted to one side and just slightly upwards (the way cool people do it): check.
Faux diamond studs the size of Texas: check.
Permanent five o'clock
Dirty, not-so-sure-that-passes-for-white-anymore wife beater: check.
Jeans sagging way below the butt line retrieved from the Salvation Army bin: check.
A walk resembling that of someone coming out of hip surgery: check.
At this point, I'm thinking you're in agreement that the dope I spotted was, indeed, Kevin "warez my RESPEK" Federline. I'm also willing to bet you're impressed with my survival skills (the sighting of this manchild in person, I have to admit, did cause me to wish for temporary blindness). "What on earth," you're wondering, "would I have done in this situation?"
Luckily for you, I have assessed this scenario and have very considerately come up with a DON'T/DO list for your safety if this unfortunate incident should happen to you. You may want to print this list out and carry it in your pocket, in the event that K-Fed does in fact cause your heart to skip a beat (and not in a good way) the next time you innocently stroll into your local mall. Remember: accidents can happen anywhere, anytime. Don't be ignorant - educate yourself, and always be prepared.
DON'T look him in the eye (unless you want to see his head balloon 10x larger than its normal size, as he will presume that you both recognize him and worship his presence). In the event that you slip up, however...
DO remain poker-faced. Smoothly avert your gaze in another direction, pretend you've spotted a friend, and wave enthusiastically as you walk away.
DON'T come right out and berate his music (i.e., "'Playing With Fire?' Ooooh, you're so dangerous.") Instead...
DO say something like, "Dude, your riffs are really insipid and unbelievably egregious. I couldn't write lyrics that ludicrous if I tried." Unable to comprehend your 10th grade vocabulary (I'm fairly certain he never made it past freshman year, if that), he will assume you've just complimented him. But...
DON'T engage in high-five action. Avoid any and all forms of physical contact whatsoever, at all costs - not because you don't know where he's been, but because, unfortunately, you do.
DO allow him an exaggerated wink. It will confuse him.
DON'T ask him what PopozÃo means in Japanese. Not only will you sound ignorant because the word is actually Portuguese (it means "big ass"), he will know that he is being mocked and may decide to sic Snoop Dogg Extra and Replica Wigga on you.
DO bob your head and wiggle your fingers like an invalid á la K-Fed "jammin" to PopozÃo (thanks YouTube). You'll still be mocking him, but he'll be unaware and in fact will think he's started a new trend.
DON'T make reference to either Britney or "the kids". This is a very sore subject for Kevin, and the possibility of him ripping off his wife beater and attempting to strangle you with it is simply too great. Should you choose to provoke him anyway, however...
DO quickly take control of the wife beater, dump your handy dandy bottle of Poland Springs over it, and proceed to slap him incessantly. This is where his skin-and-bones structure will prove an advantage to you, as the slap action will hurt like heck.
And, of course...if all else fails, just point and laugh at him. Sure, this may result once again in the summoning of his bling-blingin' lackeys, but at least you will have gotten your point across (not to mention that these types of occurrences make for good stories).
posted by audrey at
6:16 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home