i'm a slave for you

chocolate, that is.

i realized this the other day as i was recklessly indulging a bowl of m&m's on my parents' kitchen table (after coming back from a long walk, mind you). all it took was one glance at that little bowl of christmas-colored chocolate candies, and i was drawn like a bug to the light (you all remember A Bug's Life, right? "i can't help it...it's so...beautiful..." well, that was me).

but it wasn't completely my fault. i was innocent, i tell you. there were two different shades of green m&m's, and then there were the red ones. and we all know how devious the red ones are. well, i tried to resist. really, i did. i said to myself, "audrey, now listen. you just got back from a nice brisk walk. you've eaten healthfully all day. you've even drunk a lot more water than is normal for you, which, if you didn't loathe new year's resolutions so much, would be on that list. so far, i have no reason to be anything but proud of your efforts to make wise health decisions this year. are you really willing to risk the disappointment?"

apparently i was. or rather, when it comes to chocolate, i am so weak that i'm almost certain that if someone held a gun to my head and said, "this is it. it's either your life, or the chocolate," i would choose chocolate. wouldn't that make an interesting epitaph? "death by chocolate." i can't allow that to happen, though, because i already promised someone that my epitaph will read, "death by laughter." so if there are any sick, twisted killers out there reading this getting any ideas, please don't go the chocolate route. i will be forced to live another day.

so where was i? ah, yes. i had been unfairly seduced by the red m&m's, owned by chocolate yet again. and we all know, or at least holly does, that once you've eaten a few of these cleverly deceptive candies, there is no turning back. after all, why stop at a handful? you've already ruined everything by taking the first bite. i mean, if you're going to eat chocolate, for crying out loud, eat it. this is what i feel like preaching to everyone [with the exception of those with health problems] who uses sugar substitutes, or eats or drinks anything sugar-free. the ridiculousness of it kills me. it's not worth it! soda is bad for you regardless of the presence or absense of sugar. so if you want it that badly, just drink the real thing! because the fake stuff tastes like crap and is still bad for you anyway.

moving on. as i was throwing it all to the wind during my m&m fest, i started to realize what was happening. here's where the reference to brit's gag-inducing song comes in. you all know the chorus, so please don't make me sully my sacred blog space with it. i finally saw that i had become enslaved, and to be honest with you, i started to get a little ticked! i stood there are glared at that bowl that was looking more shallow by the minute, and thought, "who are you to strip me of all my willpower? how dare you challenge my self-control!" and that's when the urge to cause a scene reminiscent of charlize theron's in sweet november washed over me. instead of pills, of course, i would be hurling giant bags of m&m's, but still screaming, "there! is that enough truth for you?! are you happy now??"

yes, i'm afraid the problem is that serious. but you'll be relieved to know that my anger has temporarily subsided (at least until another chocolate binge points and laughs at me). here i must proclaim, do not give up, o ye of little strength! ye hopeless chocoholic! do not be disheartened. for i have done my research, and it is a proven fact that this sweet, luscious gift of God is actually good for us. don't believe me?

shape magazine encourages us to consider chocolate's health benefits (yes, health benefits): "recent studies show that the type of antioxidants (flavanols) in cocoa help cut your risk of heart disease by improving blood flow and may also protect against cancer." [following this article were several scrumptious recipies that they promised would not pack on the pounds. i will be honest with you, the chocolate souffle with raspberry sauce made my mouth water, and i proceeded to inform my mother in awe that each little souffle only had 3 grams of fat. mom: "so then that's only 6 grams of fat for two." me: "mom, i love how your foul little mind works."]

chocolate.org states, "chocolate is a psychoactive food. it is made from the seeds of the tropical cacao tree, theobroma cacao...the greek term "theobroma" means literally "food of the gods". [i'll say amen to that!] this site also educates us of some pretty awesome history: "cacao beans were used by the aztecs to prepare a hot, frothy beverage with stimulant and restorative properties...more recently, a study of 8000 male harvard graduates showed that chocoholics lived longer than abstainers. their longevity may be explained by the high polyphenol levels in chocolate. polyphenols reduce the oxidation of low-density lipoproteins and thereby protect against heart disease...placebo-controlled trials suggest chocolate consumption may subtly enhance cognitive performance. as reported by dr. bryan raudenbush (2006), scores for verbal and visual memory are raised by eating chocolate. impulse-control and reaction-time are also improved."

for the record, i do need to clarify that it is dark chocolate that carries the most benefits and is recently being classified as an antioxidant. webmd.com explains why: "our findings indicate that milk may interfere with the absorption of antioxidants from chocolate ... and may therefore negate the potential health benefits that can be derived from eating moderate amounts of dark chocolate."

my conclusion? i am addicted, i have accepted this, and i am not seeking treatment.

please excuse me while i go do the truffle shuffle.