i no longer fear jack nicholson
I want the world to know this. If I could, I would stand up on the highest rooftop and proclaim in honor of the great Mackaulay Culkin, "Hey, I'm not afraid anymore! I SAID...I'm not afraid anymore!!". Yes, if I could, I would definitely do that. There are only two reasons why I'm actually not going to do that: 1. It's midnight and while I honestly believe that my message is so important that it would totally be worth waking up all the neighbors, I don't think they'd be at all in the right frame of mind to listen to what I have to say, and 2. I live in a small town, far, far away from the bigger cities that would probably benefit on a much greater scale from hearing my testimony.
I'm not sure when my phobia of Jack Nicholson started, but I suppose it was when I was far too young to see a movie like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (rapists, insane asylums and nurses resembling satan practicing cruel and unusual forms of passive agression weren't really my cup of tea back in the days of one-inch margins and Dunkaroos), and yet my parents allowed me to watch it with them anyway. What did I know? I figured it was a movie about birds.
Let me tell you, from the moment I saw his face, that crooked grin filled with yellowed teeth and pointy eyebrows struck terror in my little heart like nothing I have ever known. The fact that the movie was definitely not about birds after all didn't help matters. The movie, while in the opinion of the general public is referred to as a classic, gave me nightmares for weeks.
I never wanted to see another Jack Nicholson movie again. My parents could not accept this. My mother insisted that I sit and watch As Good As It Gets with her on TV one day, and I have to be honest...at a time when I hardly even understood what being gay meant, I was totally unprepared for the role Greg Kinnear played, and then of course there was the man with the evil clown face (did I mention I'm afraid of clowns, too?)...Jack Nicholson. Oh, what a loser. In the movie, I mean. I just hated his guts. Ugly, cocky, condescending, chauvenistic (and I am not a feminist!)...he was a complete pig. I just wanted to punch him. (The only perk in the whole movie was, of course, the lovely Helen Hunt, whom I love!)
That's when I swore I'd never see another Jack Nicholson movie! Nobody would force me! And when I want to, I have amaaaazing willpower. People tried to snap through it, especially my husband, who oh-so-kindly liked (and still likes) to cross his eyes and fake a big grin with an overbite, spread out his arms and threaten me, "Heeeeeere's Johnny!!". To this day, I am proud to say, despite my husband's consistent harassment, I have not seen The Shining. I've seen trailers, and that was enough. Nothankyou. Now, I have to admit, I have seen Anger Management, which I thought was mostly pretty funny, although watching this man, who for me evokes horrible memories of watching Gremlins, sing "I Feel Pretty" was definitely scary. But oh, when you get to the end of the movie and find out the plot's twist...it was the final straw. Even though Jack was just acting, it was him I was repulsed by. I didn't know WHO could stand him or HOW.
But I've been through rehab. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I gathered up all that infamous willpower of mine and on this day forced myself to sit down and watch a whopping two full hours of Jack Nicholson's E! True Hollywood Story. I didn't think I could make it through to the end, but I prevailed and I was darn proud of myself for it. I learned a whole lot more about Jack Nicholson than I cared to, and realized that he really doesn't sleep with that Joker mask plastered to his face as I'd feared (or at least, the segment didn't say so...) and that he's just as human as the rest of us. I learned that he grew up in a small town in New Jersey and that one of his sisters turned out to be his mother and that he's actually a very generous man, and a good father.
And you know what else I realized? I am never going to meet him. So no matter how badly his face freaks me out, and no matter what kind of wacky character he plays on the big screen, it doesn't matter! I'm safe. And I am not afraid of him anymore.
I'm not sure when my phobia of Jack Nicholson started, but I suppose it was when I was far too young to see a movie like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (rapists, insane asylums and nurses resembling satan practicing cruel and unusual forms of passive agression weren't really my cup of tea back in the days of one-inch margins and Dunkaroos), and yet my parents allowed me to watch it with them anyway. What did I know? I figured it was a movie about birds.
Let me tell you, from the moment I saw his face, that crooked grin filled with yellowed teeth and pointy eyebrows struck terror in my little heart like nothing I have ever known. The fact that the movie was definitely not about birds after all didn't help matters. The movie, while in the opinion of the general public is referred to as a classic, gave me nightmares for weeks.
I never wanted to see another Jack Nicholson movie again. My parents could not accept this. My mother insisted that I sit and watch As Good As It Gets with her on TV one day, and I have to be honest...at a time when I hardly even understood what being gay meant, I was totally unprepared for the role Greg Kinnear played, and then of course there was the man with the evil clown face (did I mention I'm afraid of clowns, too?)...Jack Nicholson. Oh, what a loser. In the movie, I mean. I just hated his guts. Ugly, cocky, condescending, chauvenistic (and I am not a feminist!)...he was a complete pig. I just wanted to punch him. (The only perk in the whole movie was, of course, the lovely Helen Hunt, whom I love!)
That's when I swore I'd never see another Jack Nicholson movie! Nobody would force me! And when I want to, I have amaaaazing willpower. People tried to snap through it, especially my husband, who oh-so-kindly liked (and still likes) to cross his eyes and fake a big grin with an overbite, spread out his arms and threaten me, "Heeeeeere's Johnny!!". To this day, I am proud to say, despite my husband's consistent harassment, I have not seen The Shining. I've seen trailers, and that was enough. Nothankyou. Now, I have to admit, I have seen Anger Management, which I thought was mostly pretty funny, although watching this man, who for me evokes horrible memories of watching Gremlins, sing "I Feel Pretty" was definitely scary. But oh, when you get to the end of the movie and find out the plot's twist...it was the final straw. Even though Jack was just acting, it was him I was repulsed by. I didn't know WHO could stand him or HOW.
But I've been through rehab. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I gathered up all that infamous willpower of mine and on this day forced myself to sit down and watch a whopping two full hours of Jack Nicholson's E! True Hollywood Story. I didn't think I could make it through to the end, but I prevailed and I was darn proud of myself for it. I learned a whole lot more about Jack Nicholson than I cared to, and realized that he really doesn't sleep with that Joker mask plastered to his face as I'd feared (or at least, the segment didn't say so...) and that he's just as human as the rest of us. I learned that he grew up in a small town in New Jersey and that one of his sisters turned out to be his mother and that he's actually a very generous man, and a good father.
And you know what else I realized? I am never going to meet him. So no matter how badly his face freaks me out, and no matter what kind of wacky character he plays on the big screen, it doesn't matter! I'm safe. And I am not afraid of him anymore.
posted by audrey at
8:28 PM
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