we'll never find God
The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty. - Proverbs 21: 5
Why can't i learn patience? I could punch holes in my wall until my fist starts to bleed, and i still wouldn't have vented all the frustration built up inside of me over this word.
I suppose i get aggravated because i often feel that most of life is a waiting game. Waiting to earn rights, waiting to be financially stable, waiting to find someone who brings out the best in you, waiting for answers to all your questions. And if life weren't so short, i think i'd have a much easier time allowing these things to pass as slowly as they do. But i'm plagued with awareness. In the back of my mind, i know i've got lots to do and see and say and learn, and only so many years to do it. And by so many, i mean not so many.
The truth is, practicing patience has been a lifelong struggle for me, and i fear that it's going to continue to be for quite some time. I want to look at a flower and tell it to bloom and have it unfurl like a waking human before my eyes. I want to sprinkle the dew from that flower all around and enable everyone everywhere to fall in love with themselves and their passions. And i want to watch that love spread like a wildfire, sparking a desire - a need - in each person to pass it on in ways that will change the world.
But i can't. I'm an idealist, and therefore doomed to disappointment. Even in my own personal life, i'm constantly setting myself up for failure by imagining my life a certain way. Dreams are dreams because the mind is fantastical, but it can't defy reality. I want it to, but it just can't happen. And i try to do things to begin creating that ideal world i live in when the real world is sleeping, and somehow still wonder why it always ends badly.
So why dream? I can do my best to live a good life, to seize the opportunities given to me, and to count all my blessings. But why look forward? Why bother entertaining the thought that perhaps things could be better? The world is not ideal. I'm not ideal. How can i expect greatness out of mediocrity?
Listen to me. I don't know where this cynicism is coming from, but it's disgusting.
Clearly, i am full of doubt. I'm doubting myself, but more importantly, i'm doubting God. I'm doubting His ability to take care of things, to fulfill His promises, to offer us what no one else can.
Love. Peace. Patience.
I want to be diligent. I want to learn how to wait and be happy in it. And i want to stop questioning God, which leads to me taking over when i don't know how to operate the control panel.
An Australian prophet who just visited our church said, "We need to stop searching for God as though He's lost." God isn't a numbskull. He's not sprawled across a chaise in a myriad of clouds somewhere digging the heels of his hands into his eye sockets, wondering what the heck is going on. I'd like to think a guy who fashions entire universes in the blink of an eye has got a handle on this one miniscule piece of it known as Earth.
God's spirit is in us, in all of us. It tugs at our hearts when we're little and starts knocking a little harder when we're older. We have the choice to respond to it, or to ignore it. Here I am. What will you do with me? And some people choose to pretend it's not there, to let its flame diminish over time until eventually it burns out altogether. But others will treat it like silly putty, playing with it, fighting with it, finding out all the different things it's good for and how to protect it so it doesn't get stale. You've got to play with it a lot to keep it soft and pliable. You've got to have patience.
So life is about waiting.
But it's also about silly putty.
It's about this, but it's also about that.
Why can't i learn patience? I could punch holes in my wall until my fist starts to bleed, and i still wouldn't have vented all the frustration built up inside of me over this word.
I suppose i get aggravated because i often feel that most of life is a waiting game. Waiting to earn rights, waiting to be financially stable, waiting to find someone who brings out the best in you, waiting for answers to all your questions. And if life weren't so short, i think i'd have a much easier time allowing these things to pass as slowly as they do. But i'm plagued with awareness. In the back of my mind, i know i've got lots to do and see and say and learn, and only so many years to do it. And by so many, i mean not so many.
The truth is, practicing patience has been a lifelong struggle for me, and i fear that it's going to continue to be for quite some time. I want to look at a flower and tell it to bloom and have it unfurl like a waking human before my eyes. I want to sprinkle the dew from that flower all around and enable everyone everywhere to fall in love with themselves and their passions. And i want to watch that love spread like a wildfire, sparking a desire - a need - in each person to pass it on in ways that will change the world.
But i can't. I'm an idealist, and therefore doomed to disappointment. Even in my own personal life, i'm constantly setting myself up for failure by imagining my life a certain way. Dreams are dreams because the mind is fantastical, but it can't defy reality. I want it to, but it just can't happen. And i try to do things to begin creating that ideal world i live in when the real world is sleeping, and somehow still wonder why it always ends badly.
So why dream? I can do my best to live a good life, to seize the opportunities given to me, and to count all my blessings. But why look forward? Why bother entertaining the thought that perhaps things could be better? The world is not ideal. I'm not ideal. How can i expect greatness out of mediocrity?
Listen to me. I don't know where this cynicism is coming from, but it's disgusting.
Clearly, i am full of doubt. I'm doubting myself, but more importantly, i'm doubting God. I'm doubting His ability to take care of things, to fulfill His promises, to offer us what no one else can.
Love. Peace. Patience.
I want to be diligent. I want to learn how to wait and be happy in it. And i want to stop questioning God, which leads to me taking over when i don't know how to operate the control panel.
An Australian prophet who just visited our church said, "We need to stop searching for God as though He's lost." God isn't a numbskull. He's not sprawled across a chaise in a myriad of clouds somewhere digging the heels of his hands into his eye sockets, wondering what the heck is going on. I'd like to think a guy who fashions entire universes in the blink of an eye has got a handle on this one miniscule piece of it known as Earth.
God's spirit is in us, in all of us. It tugs at our hearts when we're little and starts knocking a little harder when we're older. We have the choice to respond to it, or to ignore it. Here I am. What will you do with me? And some people choose to pretend it's not there, to let its flame diminish over time until eventually it burns out altogether. But others will treat it like silly putty, playing with it, fighting with it, finding out all the different things it's good for and how to protect it so it doesn't get stale. You've got to play with it a lot to keep it soft and pliable. You've got to have patience.
So life is about waiting.
But it's also about silly putty.
It's about this, but it's also about that.
posted by audrey at
1:13 AM
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