is this it?
Everyone has always considered Noah a lucky man. I have never understood this.
We all know the story. After X number of years exercising their freedom to rule the earth, mankind managed to evoke divine disappointment by basically turning it into a circus. The bloodlust was seemingly insatiable, the incest and twisted sexual acts ran rampant, the disrespect for nature and fellow man like a disease that could not be quarantined. Unfortunately, there were no Jack Bauers back in the day.
"WHOA." - That's what i imagine the first word out of God's mouth was on the morning He decided that something drastic had to be done. This was sooooo not the way He'd planned it. Where were the children playing in the rivers? Where were the families eating dinner peacefully over campfires? And where were the neighbors assisting in the construction of the barns next door?
No worries. God glances at the world clock, hesitates, then speed-dials Noah, who is still in REM sleep despite the incessant bleating of those blasted goats outside his tent.
"The Philistines are coming!" Noah shouts, limbs flaying as he gets tangled up in the bedsheets. He accidentally smacks his wife in the face.
"Chillax, man," God assures him. As always, He's cool as a cucumber. "It's nothing that serious. I'm thinking about flooding the earth pretty soon and it will be the end of the world as you know it. But I'm going to save your family, so it's all good."
And the rest, as they say, is history. But has anyone ever thought about what was going through Noah's poor head at the time? I'm not talking about the obvious stress of figuring out how he's going to build a 450-ft-long ark, or how he's going to herd two of every type of animal onto it. I'm talking, "Holy crap. I don't think my ecstatic family even realizes what this means. It means that God is wiping out every human being on the planet except for us. That's it. Which means He must really esteem us and expect that we are going to be the start of a world that's supposed to flourish and harmonize. It's MY job to make sure the earth reaches equilibrium. Holy...crap."
And 40 days and 40 nights later, when it finally stopped raining and God promised He would never flood the earth again, i'm willing to bet that it was not all rainbows and doves and great sighs of relief. I imagine that Noah was standing there thinking, "Great. Just great. The fate of the world rests on my shoulders now. So if history repeats itself and things start going awry, it will be my fault. Every generation from here on out stems from me. So another 2,000 years from now, if things are looking ugly, I'll be to blame. And on top of all that, there are no more new beginnings. It will literally be up to mankind to determine their quality of life. Super."
But my intent here is not to illustrate a Bible story. My intent is to realize that not much has changed since God first obliterated all He had made and to wonder why this is so. Why are wars still raging and forests still burning? Why are slavery and rape and torture still acceptable? Why have AIDS and hunger and poverty become uncontrollable? Why do we relish in materialism and gluttony? Why are we dishonest with ourselves and with others? I don't believe that mankind is evil at heart. I think we're selfish, and i think it's destroying us. Not only are we indulging in this monstrous character flaw, we're choosing to ignore it and refusing to take the necessary steps in learning how to become selfLESS.
High school is a playground compared to what follows. Graduation is supposed to be a commencement, and i have to admit, i always imagined myself becoming a better person as time went on. Well, i didn't become a better person. If i don't come right out and admit this, then i'm living in denial, and as a co-coordinator of a 12-Step program (which seems so laughable now), i know that denial gets you absolutely nowhere in life. So here i am, laying one of my most shameful cards out on the table: i've regressed. Majorly.
If you're in the boat i'm in right now, then most days you feel like you've completely blown it - scratch that, you KNOW you've completely blown it, and you're slapped in the face with it on a regular basis. You're pretty sure that Saddam's character flaws would pale in comparison to yours. You are weak and pathetic, and nothing you do makes sense. There is no rhyme or reason to the decisions you make except that they all point back to one truth: you are selfish. There is no other explanation. You can hurt yourself and hurt others, and it kills you, destroying you from the inside out, but nothing changes. You can't stop. It's almost as if screwing up has become an addiction. As much as you hate it, you're a slave to it, and as far as you can see, there is no end to it. And so the cycle goes.
Perhaps the worst part about going through this stage of life is the utter feeling of loneliness. Nothing encapsulates it better than the song "Hello Alone" by Anberlin, in which singer Stephen Christian wonders:
We all know the story. After X number of years exercising their freedom to rule the earth, mankind managed to evoke divine disappointment by basically turning it into a circus. The bloodlust was seemingly insatiable, the incest and twisted sexual acts ran rampant, the disrespect for nature and fellow man like a disease that could not be quarantined. Unfortunately, there were no Jack Bauers back in the day.
"WHOA." - That's what i imagine the first word out of God's mouth was on the morning He decided that something drastic had to be done. This was sooooo not the way He'd planned it. Where were the children playing in the rivers? Where were the families eating dinner peacefully over campfires? And where were the neighbors assisting in the construction of the barns next door?
No worries. God glances at the world clock, hesitates, then speed-dials Noah, who is still in REM sleep despite the incessant bleating of those blasted goats outside his tent.
"The Philistines are coming!" Noah shouts, limbs flaying as he gets tangled up in the bedsheets. He accidentally smacks his wife in the face.
"Chillax, man," God assures him. As always, He's cool as a cucumber. "It's nothing that serious. I'm thinking about flooding the earth pretty soon and it will be the end of the world as you know it. But I'm going to save your family, so it's all good."
And the rest, as they say, is history. But has anyone ever thought about what was going through Noah's poor head at the time? I'm not talking about the obvious stress of figuring out how he's going to build a 450-ft-long ark, or how he's going to herd two of every type of animal onto it. I'm talking, "Holy crap. I don't think my ecstatic family even realizes what this means. It means that God is wiping out every human being on the planet except for us. That's it. Which means He must really esteem us and expect that we are going to be the start of a world that's supposed to flourish and harmonize. It's MY job to make sure the earth reaches equilibrium. Holy...crap."
And 40 days and 40 nights later, when it finally stopped raining and God promised He would never flood the earth again, i'm willing to bet that it was not all rainbows and doves and great sighs of relief. I imagine that Noah was standing there thinking, "Great. Just great. The fate of the world rests on my shoulders now. So if history repeats itself and things start going awry, it will be my fault. Every generation from here on out stems from me. So another 2,000 years from now, if things are looking ugly, I'll be to blame. And on top of all that, there are no more new beginnings. It will literally be up to mankind to determine their quality of life. Super."
But my intent here is not to illustrate a Bible story. My intent is to realize that not much has changed since God first obliterated all He had made and to wonder why this is so. Why are wars still raging and forests still burning? Why are slavery and rape and torture still acceptable? Why have AIDS and hunger and poverty become uncontrollable? Why do we relish in materialism and gluttony? Why are we dishonest with ourselves and with others? I don't believe that mankind is evil at heart. I think we're selfish, and i think it's destroying us. Not only are we indulging in this monstrous character flaw, we're choosing to ignore it and refusing to take the necessary steps in learning how to become selfLESS.
High school is a playground compared to what follows. Graduation is supposed to be a commencement, and i have to admit, i always imagined myself becoming a better person as time went on. Well, i didn't become a better person. If i don't come right out and admit this, then i'm living in denial, and as a co-coordinator of a 12-Step program (which seems so laughable now), i know that denial gets you absolutely nowhere in life. So here i am, laying one of my most shameful cards out on the table: i've regressed. Majorly.
If you're in the boat i'm in right now, then most days you feel like you've completely blown it - scratch that, you KNOW you've completely blown it, and you're slapped in the face with it on a regular basis. You're pretty sure that Saddam's character flaws would pale in comparison to yours. You are weak and pathetic, and nothing you do makes sense. There is no rhyme or reason to the decisions you make except that they all point back to one truth: you are selfish. There is no other explanation. You can hurt yourself and hurt others, and it kills you, destroying you from the inside out, but nothing changes. You can't stop. It's almost as if screwing up has become an addiction. As much as you hate it, you're a slave to it, and as far as you can see, there is no end to it. And so the cycle goes.
Perhaps the worst part about going through this stage of life is the utter feeling of loneliness. Nothing encapsulates it better than the song "Hello Alone" by Anberlin, in which singer Stephen Christian wonders:
Is this where the interstate ends?
in coastal towns like this
waiting for my world to cave under
We seem to invent ourselves
in the places left unknown
If hope could only find me out
Is this the end of everything we know?
This is the end of everything i am
Is anybody out there?
Hello! Hello!
Broken hearts like promises are left for lesser knowns
Is anybody out there?
Alone! Alone!
Cause the coldest winter's thrive on broken homes
Depression is the unholy ghost
in the coastal towns of ahead
Though i know a thousand names
i see my only friend
I've got the gun
All i need is ten cents for the bullet
I feel helpless, sleeping at best, waiting for your return
Are you ever coming home?
Is anybody out there?
Hello! Hello!
Broken hearts like promises are left for lesser knowns
Is anybody out there?
Alone! Alone!
Cause the coldest winter's thrive on broken homes
Broken homes
Does anybody (does anybody)
Do they ever listen? (do they ever listen?)
Does anybody (does anybody)
care at all?!
Do they care at all? Do they care at all? Do they care at all?
Do you care at all? Do you care at all?!
The song rings true for me in many ways. Every morning i wake and wonder, "Is this it? Is this really the end of everything i am? Is there nothing more to me?" And it's humiliating, and humbling, and empty. I feel just like Noah might have felt the first time he screwed up after God gave his family a clean slate to work with - or the second time, or the third, etc. Because every child born into the world is another clean slate for God to work with, another chance for Him to use someone to make change. I was one of those chances, and i blew it. Over and over and over again.
Where is the hope? I am holding on dearly to the fact that God does not hold our sins against us, that He loves us and does not abandon us, that He knows our hearts and promises to be with us every step of the way should we decide to hand over the wheel and make a serious vow to incite change. I want to change, honestly i do. And i know it's possible, because somewhere along the way i changed for the worse. It's just so much harder, especially once you've backslidden, to change for the better.
God help me.
posted by audrey at
1:27 PM
1 Comments:
Alright so several things:
1. I've never truly listened to Hello, Alone. Now i have and thanks to you i remember why i love these guys. I remember Christian had the goal of making music that could be the soundtrack to someone's life. Well, whether that's a good thing or a bad thing (all things considered) i think he's pulled it off.
2. You should check out the sermon my friends' father gave today on Justification http://www.missionchurch.com/sermons.htm
3. I've always found it ironic that God picks the biggest losers to be the cool people in the Bible. Noah gets out of the boat and the first thing he does is get wasted to the point where his sons have to walk backwards with the blanket to cover his nakedness. Moses went mafia on the Egyptian guy and God picks him to stutter his way through a series of threats to the Pharoah. David manages to fail with Bathsheba. It's like the whole Bible is meant to show us that even the guys God "likes the most" (obviously not but you know what i mean) fail like we do.
4. I don't know why i didn't read this sooner.
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