telephonophobia: help is just a phone call away

I am afraid of telephones.

Known scientifically as telephonophobia, this fear is defined as "a persistent, abnormal, and unwarranted fear of telephones." For me personally, however, the adjectives illogical and irrational come to mind.

I haven't the slightest idea where this fear comes from; my fear of spiders, clowns and balloons can all be explained fairly simply, but not this one. All I know is that it has manifested itself in my life like a stubborn disease and I cannot get rid of it. In fact, it only gets worse as time goes on.

This is how it works: Every time a telephone rings (especially in my home or workplace, but anywhere really, and this includes cellphones), I panic. It starts on the inside - my heart beats rapidly, my stomach churns - and then becomes external as my muscles tighten and freeze, my face goes ashen and sometimes my eyes water. How's that for extreme?

For years I've tried to keep this fear under wraps. But this becomes increasingly difficult when you are in situations where it's necessary for you to answer a call and you just can't do it, and everyone around you becomes irritated. They haven't figured out yet that this is a legitimate fear and instead believe you're just being a baby or perhaps lazy and irresponsible. And how should one argue that? "Seriously, I'm not like that. I'm a completely normal, diligent, friendly person. I'm just so afraid of telephones that if you make me answer that call I just might throw up all over you"? Yeah. That would go over real well. And if by chance you have actually dared to give a similar explanation to someone, then it's quite likely you've been scoffed at and told to "get over it."

As previously insinuated, most people who don't have a fear of telephones can't understand it and aren't as easily inclined to accept it as a genuine fear as, say, drowning. This only serves to make those who do have the fear more uncomfortable and ashamed about it. And if you are one of those doubtful bystanders thinking, "There's just no way it can be that serious," allow me to destroy that thought. My personal aversion to telephones has become so serious that I often neglect to answer a call even from my closest friends (ask them, and I'm sure they would love to tell you how much I suck at returning calls). And if any of my good friends are reading this, please know that my failure to answer or return your call is not in the least bit personal, but I do realize how rude it has become and I feel terrible about that and while I'm not actively working on getting better at it, I'm working my way up to that step.

(On that note, if I've ever called you, and it wasn't because I had to...feel special.)

I need help. I just don't want it. Knowing how ridiculous my fear was getting, however, I did Google telephonophobia one night, curious as to how people have overcome it. Well, I didn't find too many success stories, but I did find a bunch of websites claiming the means to help me. What I discovered, however, was that nearly all of these websites were a close replica of the very first one that popped up: changethatsrightnow.com. I have never in my life read anything so totally shady:

1. "We won't actually do anything - you will." Um...okay? Why on God's green earth would I pay someone to not help me? If I could help myself I wouldn't be looking for it from a second party.
2. By the way, how much does this non-service cost? "Typically it runs from $2497 and up." ...Are you NUTS?? That's probably the amount of money I'm saving from NOT making or answering phone calls every year. I'll keep the change, thanks.
3. Well, I suppose if this is a month-long treatment clinic... Nono. I, too, was once so naive: "The process usually requires no more than ten hours. In exceptional cases we can achieve a favorable result in two to three." Two to three hours. Let me put that into perspective for those of you who, like me (I used a calculator) are mathematically handicapped. That's almost $21/minute. Go ahead and laugh at them. I did.
4. So how did they plan on fixing me anyway? "We don't use hypnosis for telephonophobia but our modern techniques are equally relaxing and enjoyable." Okaaay, so what are the modern techniques? I'm so glad you asked. The answer is a big mystery. That's right, they don't actually say what the techniques are, which absolutely begs me to wonder if drugs, sedatives and brainwashing are involved. My bet is yes.
5. Alright, so...let's say my fear of telephones is so horrible, and it's affecting my daily life in such a negative way, and I'm having chronic nightmares about being locked in a small dark space filled with telephones that are ringing nonstop, and I'm so desperate to banish my fear of them that I'm actually willing to cough up enough money to cover three all-inclusive trips to Disney World so that I can get help. What do I do? "To learn more about our 24-Hour Telephonophobia Program, please call us at..."

And there you have it, the most ironic of all punchlines. In order to receive help from these people and get over your fear of telephones...you have to call them.

Screw it. My stubbornness has overridden my will to seek help. Wow, you are a baby. Listen. Call it whatever you want, but this is the bottom line: I'm. afraid. of. telephones. If your idea of helping me is forcing me to use one to call you, I say, take a hike. Go talk to the isolophobes.

Basically, I didn't write this blog as an S.O.S., but because I'm wondering how many other people out there suffer from telephonophobia. All my life I've felt alone in this fear and did my best to try and hide it. Finally, about a year ago, I found out that a woman I go to church with has the same fear. That knowledge was so lovely that I could have thrown a party (without the balloons, of course). Since then, however, I remain curious as to how widespread this fear actually is. So if you've landed on this blog somehow and can relate to anything I've written, please feel free to leave me a comment. And who knows? Perhaps we'll become great friends.

Just don't expect me to call you anytime soon. =)