stream of unconsciousness

I'm going to lie here in the darkness warm and listen to this sound and listen until my heart pounds in time and listen until i can't hear anything else but the steady rhythm of something good and my head clears to numb and if i open my mouth and utter anything it won't make sense to anyone but myself and that's assuming i'd even notice. No words. No thoughts, no plans. I'm just going to hold my head in my hands and surrender to the idea of surrendering. There's nothing i want to be, nothing i want to do, nothing i want to say, nothing i need to know. But i want to feel. I want my heart to heal and understand what certain things mean and how it's allowed to swell and ache in more good ways than bad. I want to be had, and i want to be held, and i want to recklessly abandon all reservations and lay my life down for that which will keep me there. I want to always care. And i don't know much about a lot of things but i'm slowly learning more about the ones i think truly matter and i don't want to measure my life on a scale of accomplishments that won't be worth anything when i'm old and then gone. I want to sing and do laundry and make pancakes so big they'll have to be eaten straight off the table, syrup and all. I want to build something that makes me sweat and visit someone far away and give up something for the benefit of another. I want to keep building bridges and throwing things to the other side if i can't cross them myself. But for now i'm happy just lying here in the darkness warm and listening to the sound.