progress

Every morning on my way to work (leaving the house at 5:00am), i pray. It's too early for the ruckus that happens in my car on the way home, which usually involves a generous amount of musical indulgence, head bopping and high-volume "singing." I can't listen to music before a shift anyway because it makes me anxious and i'm unable to focus when i get there.

So i talk to God. I tend to get fairly animated in discussion with Him, which is another reason why it's best that it happens when i'm alone, in the dark. The only problem with me praying is that once i start, there's no stopping me. I need lots of time, which was great when i was driving 45 minutes to Hingham for training every day (the only redeeming factor behind that kind of hike), but now that my driving time has been cut in half, i have to talk twice as fast and still only end up covering half of what i want to.

Despite these time constraints and my own shortcomings, however, God manages to work His magic. I recently committed to praying for one person in particular every day, and this person doesn't know it yet but it sometimes takes me the entire 25 minutes of my ride to get that prayer out. Quite literally, i'm talking nonstop - out loud, no less - from the moment i pull out of my driveway to the moment i pull into the Starbucks parking lot. Granted, it's supposed to be a two-way conversation - i'm still working on that - but over the years i've found that God deals with and speaks to each of us differently, and sometimes if i just keep talking long enough, the lightbulbs come on and there's some kind of revelation that occurs. In other words, it would be nice if i could shut up and listen now and then, but even if i don't, God can still get his point across. And make no mistake, He will get it across.

This morning was one of those mornings. I was praying for my friend again, feeling distressed by the fact that he's still struggling in certain areas of his life, getting down on himself for things he's done, and i realized two things. One, i myself am in that place as well. And two, we are the biggest roadblocks in our own lives. If we're constantly focusing on the negative, how can we ever expect to move forward? If we're always thinking so little of ourselves, how can we gain the courage to persevere?

Yes, we've made mistakes. Yes, we've fallen short. Yes, we've given in when we shouldn't have. But i was wrong when i stated in a blog one time that i had regressed. I thought myself hopeless and shameful and unworthy, but these were all lies. As long as i was alive, there was hope for me. There was nothing at all shameful about being human. And the fact that Jesus died for me meant i was worthy.

I was looking for progress and couldn't see it. That's where i got myself in a tangle, and i think that's where my friend got caught up as well. We'd been stuck in a web of blindness and lies, but i think that God has slowly been cutting the silk away and removing the cocoons.

Progress is not doing what's good or what's right. Progress is simply doing. It's moving, growing, developing, happening. Are you breathing? That's progress. Are you thinking? That's progress. Get out of bed, go to work...make a decision, even a mindless one. All of that is progress. Even screwing up is a sign of progress. How will you find answers if you don't ask questions? How will you teach unless you first learn? How can you relate to someone or invest into one's life unless you've had firsthand experience in what they're going through? Progress.

God expects that we are going to make mistakes. I almost think he counts on it. How else could he use us to make a difference anywhere? Mistakes are what inventions are born of. Mistakes are what lead us to new and surprising territory, both literally (taking a wrong turn on a roadtrip and ending up at a better destination) and metaphorically (drinking, driving, and colliding with an AA director). Mistakes are not roadblocks, they are building blocks. All we need is a little perspective on the matter.

Along with the commitment to praying for my friend, i had sent him a birthday/graduation package that included a mixed CD. On it were a few songs by Mutemath, a band whose existence he'd been unaware of but found that he really enjoyed. In his latest blog, he mentions two of them, but the third one actually drives the point i'm trying to make home. It is appropriately titled, "Progress":

Pulling your confidence through
Some courage is well overdue
I believe solely in all your promise
Why waste a second in doubt
You could be helping you out
Keeping your head in the clear

Like an instrument for a song
Like the sun for tomorrow’s dawn
Every moment of time’s just an answer to find
What you’re here for, what you breathe for
What you wake for, what you bleed for

Everyone’s counting on you
Save for yourself what to do
Life is a card that you lay down sometimes
To search for the best way of all
Is finding the best way to fall
Keeping your head in the clear

Every moment of time’s just an answer to find
What you’re here for, what you breathe for
What you wake for, what you bleed for
What you hope for, what you live for
What you’re here for, what you breathe for, what you live for
What you’re here for, what you bleed for, what you live for

The bolded line is amazing, and i wish it were possible to physically ingrain it onto the cell tissue of my brain...or my heart. Every moment given to us is another opportunity. With that moment, we can resist or we can make a mistake. Either way, we're making progress.

So Adam, don't give up. And don't be too hard on yourself, because life is hard enough as it is without the additional pressure. Remember the phrase "no matter what." Know that God's will is carried out no matter what. Know that God will use you for good no matter what. And most importantly, know that you are loved no matter what. You read this entire blog, and hey...that's progress. :)