the heart's a lonely hunter
So it's been over a week since I've returned from Colombia, and my desire to go back has only multiplied with each passing day. My heart swells up so big sometimes when I am thinking about the kids at El Camino that at least once a day my eyes well up with tears. Last night was the worst so far; all my human insecurities kept shouting "what if...?","it's impossible", "you'll never go back", and "you have no money!" And I wept like a broken person. On top of it all, I am left feeling as though no one understands the depth of my brokenness. I have learned not to try to explain how I feel to anyone, and yet they all come at me with "Yeah, that's how everyone feels after coming back from a mission trip" and the rest look at me as if to say "OK, you're home now, get over it." So this place where I'm at, yearning for a different life, aching to see and hold the children I so love, it's a very lonely place to be.
But then I remembered the God that I serve. I remembered all the ways that the forces of evil tried to keep me and others from going to Colombia, how out of the $1500 I needed to raise I raised about $300, how two of our team members didn't get their passports until 45 minutes before we left for the airport, how we sat on the plane in Boston for 4 hours waiting to take off, how we missed all our flights in Texas and had to stay overnight at a hotel in Houston, how the airport didn't issue us enough vouchers for hotel rooms, how they then tried to redirect a few of our team members to fly through Panama to get to Colombia...and yet, every one of us made it to El Camino and had the best time of our lives. And in the process, God blessed us in so many ways. We befriended old, crabby guys on the airplane during our 4 hour wait; we befriended a girl who was also going on a mission trip who had missed her flights as well and whose whole team had left without her to San Salvador; because of our stay in Houston we were able to bond that much more with our team; some of us even got first class tickets on the flight from Houston to Colombia!
Bottom line: God is awesome, and you can never underestimate Him. If He has spoken something into fruition, then it will happen and nothing can stop it. Since my trip to Colombia, I've erased the word "How" from my dictionary. When it comes to God, there is no "How," there's only "When". Therefore, whenever God speaks to me the things He wants me to do, I will not ask "But how, God?" anymore, instead I will ask, "OK, God...when?"
When will I return to Colombia? That is what I am struggling with now, every day, every night, every time I see a photo of the beautiful faces of those children, every time I am taking a walk and hear a voice that sounds like one of them, or one of the staff at El Camino. No time is soon enough for me. My heart aches to be with my kids, more than it has ever ached for anything before. It is constantly overflowing with my love for them, a love that I never knew existed.
God will bring me back. I knew this as we were leaving Colombia, having just reached our steady altitude in the air. When the plane took off, I began weeping and begging God, "Please...I need to know...Assure me that I will be returning to these kids." And I looked out the window and there, in the clouds that hovered over Colombia, was a perfect solid shadow of the plane, with a rainbow ring around it. I wiped my eyes because my vision was blurry with tears, but I had seen correctly. And I knew exactly what that symbol meant: that I should have peace about returning to Colombia, and that my God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and wants to fulfill the desires of my heart.
And He will. I don't know how, but I don't need to know how. It's just a matter of time. In about 60 seconds, the symbol of the plane with the rainbow ring was gone, and I am willing to bet that not one other person on the entire plane had seen it.
Here I am, God. Send me.
But then I remembered the God that I serve. I remembered all the ways that the forces of evil tried to keep me and others from going to Colombia, how out of the $1500 I needed to raise I raised about $300, how two of our team members didn't get their passports until 45 minutes before we left for the airport, how we sat on the plane in Boston for 4 hours waiting to take off, how we missed all our flights in Texas and had to stay overnight at a hotel in Houston, how the airport didn't issue us enough vouchers for hotel rooms, how they then tried to redirect a few of our team members to fly through Panama to get to Colombia...and yet, every one of us made it to El Camino and had the best time of our lives. And in the process, God blessed us in so many ways. We befriended old, crabby guys on the airplane during our 4 hour wait; we befriended a girl who was also going on a mission trip who had missed her flights as well and whose whole team had left without her to San Salvador; because of our stay in Houston we were able to bond that much more with our team; some of us even got first class tickets on the flight from Houston to Colombia!
Bottom line: God is awesome, and you can never underestimate Him. If He has spoken something into fruition, then it will happen and nothing can stop it. Since my trip to Colombia, I've erased the word "How" from my dictionary. When it comes to God, there is no "How," there's only "When". Therefore, whenever God speaks to me the things He wants me to do, I will not ask "But how, God?" anymore, instead I will ask, "OK, God...when?"
When will I return to Colombia? That is what I am struggling with now, every day, every night, every time I see a photo of the beautiful faces of those children, every time I am taking a walk and hear a voice that sounds like one of them, or one of the staff at El Camino. No time is soon enough for me. My heart aches to be with my kids, more than it has ever ached for anything before. It is constantly overflowing with my love for them, a love that I never knew existed.
God will bring me back. I knew this as we were leaving Colombia, having just reached our steady altitude in the air. When the plane took off, I began weeping and begging God, "Please...I need to know...Assure me that I will be returning to these kids." And I looked out the window and there, in the clouds that hovered over Colombia, was a perfect solid shadow of the plane, with a rainbow ring around it. I wiped my eyes because my vision was blurry with tears, but I had seen correctly. And I knew exactly what that symbol meant: that I should have peace about returning to Colombia, and that my God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and wants to fulfill the desires of my heart.
And He will. I don't know how, but I don't need to know how. It's just a matter of time. In about 60 seconds, the symbol of the plane with the rainbow ring was gone, and I am willing to bet that not one other person on the entire plane had seen it.
Here I am, God. Send me.
posted by audrey at
8:27 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home